This
was an article submitted to the 1999
Louisville Colorado Sentinel contest
to find out who had the wildest
Christmas dinners. This won first
prize:
A
CHRISTMAS TO REMEMBER
As
a joke, my brother used to hang a
pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said
all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them. What they say about Santa
checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning,
although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung
sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream
come true. I put on sunglasses and
went in search of an inflatable love
doll. They don't sell those things
at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult
bookstore downtown. If you've never
been in an X-rated store, don't go.
You'll only confuse yourself. I was
there an hour saying things like,
"What does this do? You're
kidding me! Who would buy
that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable
doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll that
could also substi tute as a
passenger in my truck so I could use
the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult.
Love Dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line,
according to the side of the box,
could do things I'd only seen in a
book on animal husbandry. I settled
for Lovable Louise. She was at the
bottom of the price scale. To call
Louise a doll took a huge leap of
imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help
of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
to life. My sister-in-law was in on
the plan and let me in during the
wee morning hours. Long after Santa
had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's
pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
some cookies and drank what remained
of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
I went home, and giggled for a
couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called
to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had
made him VERY happy but had left the
dog confused. She would bark, start
to walk away, then come back and
bark some more. We all agreed that
Louise should remain in her panty
hose so the rest of the family could
admire her when they came over for
the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the
moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?"
she asked.
My brother quickly explained,
"It's a doll."
"Who would play with something
like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind,
but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?"
Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells
nice Gran" Jay said, to steer
her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why
doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but
why would I? It was Christmas and no
one wanted to ride in the back of
the ambulance saying, "Hang on
Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man
with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and said, "Hey, who's the naked
gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed
Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but
actually flirting. It was then that
we realized this might be Grandpa's
last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the
usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be
killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise like my father in the bathroom
in the morning. Then she lurched
from the panty hose, flew around the
room twice, and fell in a heap in
front of the sofa. The cat screamed.
I passed cranberry sauce through my
nose, and Grandpa ran across the
room, fell to his knees, and began
to administer mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back
over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin,
stomped out of the room, and sat in
the car. It was indeed a Christmas
to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we
conducted a thorough examination t o
decide the cause of Louise's
collapse. We discovered that Louise
had suffered from a hot ember to the
back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug
called duct tape, we restored her to
perfect health!
WOW
- what
a great Christmas
!!!
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